Burn Up the Empty Space
by Just hand me a pen
Summary: Beckett burns her hand ironing and calls Castle. Stuff happens, people from the past come back  briefly . Multiple chapters eventually. Caskett eventually  obviously! :D
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I'm really hesitant to put this one up, mostly because I'm really serious about it. It's going to be multiple chapters, but I don't know how many yet. I don't know, I just feel really different about this one, compared to my other stories. Anyways, hope everyone likes it.**

**I don't own Castle. (YES! I remembered. That's my thing, I always forget to put disclaimers.)**

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><p>Ironing.<p>

She doesn't do it often, just when her wardrobe is need of it, but Kate Beckett secretly loves ironing. She'd never admit it to anyone- unless Castle accidentally makes her- because it's such a housewife-ey thing to do. And Kate Beckett is not nor will she ever be a housewife. It's against her personality, her nature. So fortunately, a good portion of her wardrobe is ironable clothing. At least she has an excuse, right?

But ironing is a good way to let off steam (no pun intended). After a hard case it's nice for her to come home and blast her music so loud that she's not even paying attention to it, and iron. Its like smoothing out the wrinkles in her clothes that she can't do with her life.

So while ironing may be one of her more strange pastimes, she loves it. Just- not right now.

She's been so distracted by this case she's working that she burned her hand on her iron. It's scalding, and she curses loudly.

Of course, being a cop, she knows what she has to do: run it under cold water.

Its still hurting minutes later even though it should be numb from the nearly frozen water. The tears she's been trying to keep in eventually overflow and stream down her cheeks, breaking the barrier so that she starts sobbing right there in front of her kitchen sink.

She knows that there's only one thing that could make her feel better (that's easily accessible, unlike her mother, and even her father who is up at his cabin). Castle. She's too stubborn to give in and call, but after a few more minutes of almost blistered skin, she grabs her phone out of her back pocket and speed dials him.

"Castle," he answers, with an extra bounce in his voice.

"Hey, Castle." Kate greets him, desperately wishing the quiver in her voice to even out. "You sound happy."

"Oh, yeah. Alexis just told me some wonderful news."

"Oh." Kate's a little let down. She doesn't want to tear him away from a good time.

"Why?"

"I, um... I burned my hand and I was wondering if..." she trails off.

"I'll be right over," Castle says, as if reading her mind, and hangs up, not giving Kate a chance to refuse.

Kate knows who is at her door even before she looks through the peephole. She opens the door, leaving her right hand- the burnt one- resting on the door.

"Hey… Castle." She drags the sentence out.

"Kate!" Castle seems frantic and quickly grabs the hand on the door. "Is this the one?" he asks, but then looks down at it.

Kate nods and hums an affirmation.

Castle looks at her poor, poor hand and realizes hat he needn't have asked: it's evident that it's the one she burned.

"Kate, this is seriously burned! How did it happen?" The concern in Castle's voice scares Kate. She can hear that his worry for her goes past platonic.

"I was ironing, and-" Kate's explanation is interrupted by Castle.

"Katherine Beckett, ironing?" He teases her.

"_Anyways_," Kate persists. "I was listening to my iPod, and I was thinking about… I was thinking and distracted, and…" Kate trails off once again, lost in her thoughts of how close she came to admitting that she was thinking about him and her, and… _them._

Castle gives her a moment, but when she doesn't emerge from her own imagination, he tries to prompt her out. "Kate?" he asks. "Kate, we need to get your hand checked out. It's really bad."

Kate looks up into the eyes of the man that she knows loves her. Though she may be too scared to admit it to herself, subconsciously, she knows she loves him too. That's why, when she loses herself in his eyes for just a fraction of a second, she knows that she should trust him on this one. And she knows that he researched burns for one of his books. Of course she knows, she's read them all multiple times.

Keeping her eyes locked with his, Kate slowly nods her head- only down- as if to say 'ok'.

"Okay, Rick." The use of his first name is not lost on him. "What do we do?"

The words she's just spoken amaze Castle. Simply the fact that she's finally let him lead, finally let him decide what they should do, shows Castle how much she trusts him.

Not letting go of her hand, Castle steps closer to limit the space between them so much that it's highly dangerous, considering the way their relationship- partnership- works.

Barely enough space to fit their arms between them, Kate and Castle stand there looking deeply into each other's eyes. After too long, Castle finally decides that this isn't the time or place, and breaks the silence.

"Kate," he whispers, still mesmerized by her eyes. His cheeks turn pink as he tries to fix it. He clears his throat. "Kate," he says louder. "A doctor. We need to go," he pauses, still entranced, but decided that he needs to finally break eye contact. He brings her hand up between their bodies, and looks down at it. "To a doctor," he finishes.

"Yeah," Kate breaths, barely audible, and her hot breathe on his neck makes his spine tingle. Against her better judgment, Kate leans in halfway to Castle, her heart beating a million miles a minute. If she weren't holding her breath, she'd probably be hyperventilating. Castle leans in until they are merely millimeters apart, his stomach fluttering so that he feels like a teenage girl having her first kiss. Because, in a way, this is his first kiss. Granted, it's his first kiss with Kate, it's also a kiss that he knows is going to be so much more than a kiss. It's going to be the beginning of a relationship with the love of his life. The love of his life is standing right there in front of him, waiting for him to kiss her, with a hand that needs immediate medical attention.

It nearly kills him, having to pull away, but he does, because he would rather wait one more day- hypothetically- than have Kate's hand be forever scarred.

"Kate," he whispers, even more delicate than the last time, "we can't." He pulls his head back.

Kate sighs deeply, bowing her head and closing her eyes, trying to get a hold on herself. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't." Castle says quickly. "Don't say you're sorry. Please."

Kate breaths deeply again. Her hands are shaking, and she can't bear to look Castle in the eyes.

Castle can see her struggle not to run far and not come back for a long time, not to hide her emotions. Not being able to bear to see her break like that, he reaches the hand that's not occupied with hers around her neck. He presses a lingering kiss to her forehead.

Kate's hand comes up and wraps around the lapel of his suit jacket. When his lips don't leave her forehead, she finally- _finally_- let's herself go.

Out of nowhere, Castle hears a sob. When it registers that it's Kate, he releases her hand and uses the one that was holding it to wind around her back.

"Whoa, Kate," he sooths, "it's okay. Just- let it all out." Somehow, Castle feels as if he understands exactly what she's trying to express by letting it out.

A sob makes it's way up her throat, and Kate's knees crumple. Castle catches her, making no attempt at trying to stand her up again.

The symbolism is not lost on her. Even in her moment of weakness, she understands that Castle is silently telling her that he'll support her.

"I want to," she manages between gasps. "I-," but she can't finish.

"It's alright, you don't need to explain." Castle rocks as he holds her body up in his arms. He feels comforted by the fact that he can comfort her, soothing her as she expresses her emotions.

"But I want to, I want _this._" Castle's breath hitches at her confession, but he makes himself compartmentalize; put away his emotions about it until a later date.

Castle is desperate to get her to stop talking. Firstly, and he knows it's selfish, but the sooner she stops talking, the sooner they can have a proper conversation. At the same time, though, he wants to let her get it all out. Leaving this train of thought, he focuses on her and what she needs.

Hugging her tight, Castle braves himself and asks, "What do you need?" He prepares himself for an onslaught of sarcastic answers. What he doesn't expect, however, is the answer she gives him.

"You."

Kate immediately stiffens, surprised at her honesty. She stops crying almost right away, asking, "Did I just… say that?" She wipes at her tears.

"Yes," Castle sighs in disbelief. Seizing the opportunity, he then says, "We need to go, Kate- we need to go to the hospital."

A hand firmly grabs his arm, and he jumps a little at the sudden feeling.

"Rick," Kate starts. "Please. Let me explain myself."

"Kate, I would love to have this conversation right now, really, but we really need to get your hand looked at. Don't worry, I won't… I want to, okay?" Castle doesn't know how to explain what he means, so he just leaves it at that. "Ready?"

Kate wipes her eyes again, then wordlessly walks back into her bedroom. She comes out a few minutes later, honestly surprised that Castle just stood there waiting for her, wearing a new shirt. "My other one was all wet," she explains.

"No, yeah, I um- I didn't ask."

"Let's go."

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><p><strong>AN 2: So yeah... ironing. I honestly don't really know how I came up with it, but I had to iron a tablecloth, and this just popped into my mind. **

**Also, I don't know much about burns, but I do know that one is supposed to run it under cold water for a while... Okay, so I can't finish that sentence because it would be a spoiler, but it will be explained next chapter. Also, please don't hate me for injuring Beckett. **

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So here is chapter 2. Read on...**

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><p>The drive to the hospital happens in complete silence. Neither Kate nor Castle says a word the entire way there. Castle's driving, which is a new concept for them, given that Kate is the cop and usually drives.<p>

The traffic is fairly calm, considering the fact that they _are_ in New York. So while there are lots of cars, Castle and Kate flow smoothly with the traffic.

It doesn't take long for them to get to the hospital, which is a rarity, not taking long to get somewhere in that city.

When Castle pulls into the parking lot at the hospital, he quickly finds a parking space. He's about to get out of the drivers side while Kate stays put.

"You coming?" he asks.

Kate steels herself, and then answers, "Can you just give me a second?"

Castle immediately understands what's going on. "Kate, it's just a place. There's no symbolism… It's not even the same one that you-" He's cut off.

"That I was taken to after a bullet pierced my heart? Yeah, no symbolism there…"

"Kate," Castle starts to answer sternly, but then decides to change the angle that he's working from. "It's going to be alright." He wraps his hand around hers. "I'm here."

Kate reaches out and opens the car door, motioning to Castle to get out too. They walk into the emergency room and over to the nurses station to sign in. Castle looks around as Kate provides her personal information for the record. And for the bill.

When she's done, she and Castle go to sit in those gross waiting room chairs that are sanitized about three times a day and squeak.

"God, we're gonna be waiting for _ever_," Kate whines.

"But you're worth it." Castle means it jokingly, but it comes out serious, instantly ending their conversation so that they can both think about the implications.

A loud sound erupts from a room down the hallway. Castle startles a little bit, but when he looks over at Kate, she's more than startled. The expression on her face reminds him of the day the siren scared her while they were working on the sniper case. She's slipped down off her chair, squatting on the floor. She's hiding behind the blue plastic.

Once she realizes what's happened, she looks up at Castle with a look in her eyes that's begging him not to question her about what happened.

Castle recognizes her hope, and simply helps her back up onto the chair. "So, what do you think about Parker? Do you think he did it?" Castle decides that talking about the case would be good neutral ground.

Castle and Kate talk about the case, building theory and exchanging their usual banter while they wait to be escorted to a room. After two hours or so of talking about various points in the case, Castle decided to bring up Kate's reaction to the sound earlier.

"Kate, what happened with that noise? I know that you're getting better, but that was pretty extreme, wasn't it? Just, are you okay? I mean- are you making progress?"

A deep breath is heard by Castle. It's Kate's. "Look, Rick, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern, but I really just don't want to talk about it. Not right now, at least."

Castle shakes his head. "Kate," he says, "we need to talk about it. With all due respect, you don't have anyone to talk to, at least that I know of."

"Actually I do." Kate's breath hitches. Well, it's now or never. "You know how I had to see the department psychologist after my shooting… I still go."

She's met with the most sincere look from Castle. "Kate," he whispers. "That's…" his voice is back to normal, but he can't find the words to describe what he wants to say. "That just shows how strong you are. Other cops wouldn't admit that they need help, but you? Not only are you doing that, but you're also getting help. On your own terms. That's just… amazing."

"It's really not that big-" Kate's interrupted by her name being called by one of the nurses.

"Beckett, Katherine," the nurse yells.

"It's us," Castle comments.

"No shit, Sherlock." Kate puts on a comical face, but really, she's shaken. And somehow Castle knows.

The feeling of Castle's hand on her back startles her at first, but then sooths her as he starts moving his thumb absentmindedly, effectively rubbing her back. Kate takes solace in the fact that Castle's still there with her, not leaving and abandoning her at the hospital for a long wait.

The two partners walk down the hall to the room that they'll be occupying. Stepping inside, they see two chairs, and duo each takes their respective chair.

A comfortable silence fills the room, but is soon broken by Kate. "So the long wait is over but we still have to wait for the doctor to get here."

"Thanks for staying, Rick. It means a lot."

"Well if I left, you wouldn't have a way home, and then you'd be stuck here all night and you probably wouldn't go to the precinct tomorrow. I just don't want to be bored all day," Castle teases.

Laughing at Castle's joke, Kate doesn't see that her doctor walks in.

"Kate?"

Kate's eyes snap up at the sound of her name coming from a voice she knows so well.

"Josh? What are you doing here?" Kate's eyes dart quickly from Josh to Castle and back, unsure of what to do.

"I'm a doctor, Kate," Josh says matter-of-factly.

"I know that," Kate snaps. "I mean, what are you doing here? In this room?"

Josh explains how a lot of staff is sick, and they were down doctors. "I volunteered," he offers.

Kate rolls her eyes. "Of course you did."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Josh turns defensive.

"It's nothing, just that you always put being a doctor ahead of," her eyes move to look at Castle before finding themselves back on Josh. "spending time doing other things," she finishes.

"Kate, we broke up, don't even go there."

"Josh! Don't-" her voice turns to a hiss. "That has nothing to do with this."

Castle finally speaks up, but his comment falls on deaf ears. "I'm going… out there…" he points to the hallway. Unfortunately- or fortunately- both Kate and Josh are too enthralled with being furious at each other to pay attention. So Castle just walks out the door, letting out a long breath once he's free and clear. He should go and get coffee. That would be a good idea. Yeah, calm her down.

About ten minutes later, Castle walks back into Kate's room with two coffees. He is surprised to see someone other than Dr. Davidson working on Kate's hand.

"Where's Josh?" he asks.

"The bastard sent in another doctor."

At the statement, the doctor that's working on Kate's hand looks up at her, his face questioning, but he doesn't say anything. Seeing the question he was too afraid to ask, Kate tells him, "We broke up."

The doctor gives her a nod that seems to show understanding.

"What were you fighting about?" Castle asks.

Giving in, realizing that he would find out anyways, Kate answers, "Let's just say that he disapproves of all the time that _some people_ spend _some places_ when they don't even work there. He's convinced that they have ulterior motives for sticking around so long." She shakes her head as if trying to dislodge the thought from her brain.

The slightly confused and definitely shocked look on Castle's face was the reason for Kate's clarification. "Rick. Josh doesn't like that you spend all your time at the precinct, and he thinks that the only reason you stay is because of me."

Dr. Peterson's head shoots strait up, a little shocked, but mostly happy to be getting scoop on one of his fellow doctors.

"Well I kind of thought that after," Castle clears his throat, "_what happened earlier_... I clarified that that's a huge part of it." He finishes his sentence slowly, giving Kate time to process each word.

Dr. Peterson is sitting there trying really hard not to smirk, but he's failing miserably.

"I know, Castle, but I didn't know that then. Hell, it might not have even been true…" Kate looks up at Castle- who's still standing- and into his eyes.

"Trust me Kate, it was true."

The two stare at each other, communicating wordlessly with their eyes, even if their eyes aren't saying anything. They both know what the other wants to say.

The doctor coughs, turning to Castle and giving him a look that says 'later'. "So, I'm finished with your hand, but…"

The three of them stand in the room, the doctor explaining care, and Kate and Castle listening. The doctor finally leaves, mumbling something about eye-sex on the way out that neither Kate nor Castle hears.

When Kate is finally released, she and Castle make their way out the front door and to Castle's car. The ride back to Kate's place is filled with her ranting about Josh.

"And then when he left, he called me 'detective'. Why would he do that? Ugh, he just makes me so mad."

"I call you Detective," Castle says, then adds, "sometimes."

"I know, Castle. It's just that… it's _different_ with me and Josh." Kate doesn't want to have to go there.

"You mean you dated." Castle offers. It was a statement.

He takes Kate's lack of response as a yes.

They're silent the rest of the way back to Kate's apartment. When Castle pulls up to the curb, Kate turns to him and says, "Thanks for listening."

As she's getting out, she hears Castle's muffled response of "Always."

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><p><strong>AN 2: So Josh... Please don't hate me, I dislike him as much as the rest of you. :P**

**But really, I think there will be a few more chapters to this story. I've never written anything other than oneshots before, but I feel good about this one, and I know where I want to take it. **

**Review Please! They make me happy.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Chapter 3. Wow, I've actually done three chapters. Lol. No, don't worry, I fully intend to finish this properly.**

**I don't own Castle. I'll leave it to the professionals, MilMar, all the other brilliant writers, and everyone else who works on the masterpiece. **

**Read on…**

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><p>Kate Beckett wakes up with a different perspective on life than the previous day. Whether it's her decision about her relationship with Castle, or simply the thought of a new day, she's unsure. But there is one thing she knows she wants to do. She wants to tell Castle that she remembers.<p>

As she steps out of bed into the cold morning air, Kate looks out the window at the street life outside. There isn't much of it, but she imagines Castle as a young(er) writer out for a morning walk to stimulate his story oriented brain. She imagines how it doesn't help him because all he can think about is his little girl at home, the little girl that is all grown up, now.

The thought breaks Kate from her reverie. Alexis. The poor girl could have lost her father to a bullet from a sniper if it hadn't been for Kate. Kate doesn't blame herself anymore, though. Dr. Burke is helping with that.

What will Alexis think when Castle and Kate get together? When. Kate's not in denial anymore: it's decided, it will happen soon. She can't hide from this anymore. She may not be healed, per se, but she has finally come to the realization that she doesn't have to do it alone.

Forcing herself out of the comfort that is her bed, Kate makes her way to the bathroom to start the day. Once she's there, she sheds her pajamas and prepares to get in her scalding hot shower.

She's barely stepped both legs in when she realizes that she has to keep her hand dry. Quickly throwing her arm out the shower door, she deliberates on how it's going to work.

Kate and Castle's relationship has been getting stronger. Ever since her shooting, she's been hesitant. Not because of his 'I love you', but because of what she did to him. Left him hanging for three months. But since then, they've gradually been becoming closer, spending more time together outside the precinct.

Their time commitment is why, when Kate realizes the trouble she's going to have shampooing her hair, she immediately thinks of calling Castle. The thought is absentminded. Of course, the moment she processes it, she turns a deep red, realizing that she had just essentially just thought of calling Castle to help her shower. And _that_ thought makes Kate blush even deeper.

Kate tries her best to shampoo and condition her hair one handed, although the quality of the wash is probably not the best. When she finishes washing the conditioner out of her hair, she reaches down and turns off the water. Stepping out of shower, she wraps her towel around herself and sets off to get dressed.

Entering her bedroom once again, Kate walks to her dresser to take out her clothes. She carefully selects what she's going to wear, laying it out on her bed.

Getting dressed won't be as hard as shampooing, but it won't necessarily be easy. Kate struggles a little with getting her shirt over her head, but other than that, she's fine.

After Kate is finished eating breakfast and generally collecting other things for the day, she grabs her gun and badge. Making her way to her front hall closet, she opens it to a vast collection of high heels. Kate kneels down, rooting through all the pairs till' she finds the right pair. They compliment her shirt and match her coat.

Putting them on, she makes sure that she's got everything and then leaves for the precinct.

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><p>Upon reaching the 12th, Kate makes her way to Gates' office and informs her about her hand. Gates doesn't take the news too well.<p>

"Let me get this straight. You burned your right hand, the one you use to pull the trigger, while _ironing?_"

"Yes, sir," Kate responds. She still doesn't like calling the new Captain 'sir'. For Kate, the name sir will always belong to Roy.

Always.

While looking longingly out the window to the Captains office, Kate notes that Castle's come in.

"I'm going to have to assign you to desk duty, you know. If you're incapable of firing your weapon, it's unsafe to have you gallivanting around town with a civilian."

For Kate, there are so many things wrong with that sentence. First off, she _can_ fire her weapon. It hurts like hell, but she would be able to, if the need arose. Secondly, Kate does not gallivant. Homicide detectives don't gallivant. And definitely _not_ with a civilian. Because Kate considers 'the civilian' her partner, not a tag-along. Not anymore. And that is the part of Gates' statement that irks Kate the most. The new captain will never understand. Kate holds her partnership with Castle dear, and protects it with all she has.

"Fine." As much as Kate wants to argue all those points, she wants to get out of there more.

As Kate walks back to her desk, in a fowl mood, she is stopped by Ryan. "Hey Beckett! What happened to your hand?" the other detective questioned.

"Burned it," Kate replied shortly. She then turns to the writer, greeting him as she hears something about Heat Wave coming from Ryan as he walks away.

"Well hello, Detective, how goes it with… Iron Gates?" Castle lowers his voice while saying the nickname for the Captain. He would probably be thrown out if she heard him call her that.

Kate gives him a mock disapproving look, as if to warn him about the usage of the aforementioned nickname. "I've been benched," she says as she throws herself down on her chair, looking at Castle just in time to see a flash of disbelief in his eyes behind his façade of concern.

Kate laughs. "You don't really think she'd be scared enough to leave me on, do you?" She hit it spot on, and Castle is somewhat flabbergasted as to how well she can read him. "As much as it sucks, she was right to do it. Even though I _can_ fire my gun," she huffed. "Oh, and how I want to fire my gun right now…" Kate leans in _very_ close to his chair and adds, "But tell her I agree with her and I will end you." Leaning back to her chair, she adds one last point. "Got it?"

Castle swallows, but recovers quickly enough to answer, "Y-Yes."

Kate laughs to herself about how well she can play him, and sets about doing her paperwork.

A few minutes later, she looks up to see Castle just sitting there, deep in thought. "You know, Castle, if you wanna go write, you don't have to sit there all day. I'm not doing anything other than paperwork until my hand heals…"

Castle considers it for a moment, then leans over to examine the work she'd done so far. "Kate… You know… if you want…" Castle doesn't know how to offer this. "Well," he says bluntly, "your writing is illegible. Do you want me to do it? You can dictate, and I'll write."

The thought of it makes Kate react in what seems to be a million different ways. Her mind starts racing, her stomach flutters, and the thought of her butterflies makes her blush. She smiles a huge grin that makes Castle's heart skip a beat, and then answers.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that." She smiles again and hands him the file.

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><p>The two spend the day filling out paperwork in their own little co-production. They take a few breaks, mostly for coffee or helping out Ryan and Esposito with the murder board. Unofficially, of course.<p>

The pair has fun joking around, with the safety of a work environment, but without the stress of an actual case.

"You did not!" Kate laughs, completely carefree of the looks she was getting from various uniforms and other detectives around the bullpen.

"I did!" Castle responds. "Do you mean to tell me that you actually think it's _not_ something I would do?"

"Oh, no, it totally suits you, I just… Really?"

Castle just grins and laughs, knowing that it was more of a rhetorical question.

The two settle down, regain their normal breathing rhythm. Kate checks her watch and sees that it's nearly five o'clock.

"Well, one of the perks-" Kate stops, corrects herself. "The _only_ perk of being on desk duty, is that I actually get to leave at a decent hour. So- I want to ask you something."

Castle looks down at his phone and says, "Shoot."

Looking up, after a moment of silence, he sees that Kate has one eyebrow raised. "Okay, so don't _shoot_, shoot, but… ask the question." _Mental note to self: never tell a cop to shoot. It could be misinterpreted and end badly. _

"Not here. Do you want to get out of here?"

"Sure," Castle replies. "Remy's?"

Picking up her coat off the back of her chair, Kate shocks Castle with her other answer. "Nope, Old Haunt." Castle watches her as she saunters off, wondering what could be needed to be said- or rather asked- at a bar.

Kate knows that it's a bad idea, to mix alcohol with the conversation they're about to have, but Kate knows that she'll need it once what's said is out there. _Just not the way my dad needed it_, she clarifies to herself. That's completely different. "You comin', Castle?"

When they get to the Old Haunt, Castle offers to order them both a drink, but Kate refuses. When she sees the momentary look of terror in his eyes, she specifies, "I just want to be sober, right now. That's all." Silently answering Castle's prayers, she doesn't know exactly how much relief she's brought him just then.

"Okay, so what did you want to ask me, detective?"

Kate takes a deep breath, thinking about the possible repercussions of what she's about to do. The thing is, she doesn't care about them. Right now, all she wants to do is hear the truth.

Again.

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><p><strong>AN 2: Gah, I just love the "again" at the end. It just kind of fell from my fingers as I was typing and I read it over and I was just like "YES." Anyways, I don't _love_ the beginning, but I hope it's okay.**

**I'm sorry for the cliffhanger. I guess it's not as bad as the season 3 finale (am I right?), but some might not approve. It's just… if I cut it further back so that there wasn't a cliffhanger, it would be too short, but if I kept going, it would end up probably a thousand words too long. So for the length, it ended pretty naturally there.**

**Also, I'm not the biggest fan of Gates, but I don't take it out on her in my writing. I just honestly thought that that's probably an appropriate response by her. I think it stayed fairly middle ground. I mean, I'd probably be pissed if I were a Captain (LOL NO) and my best detective was suddenly in need of desk duty, especially relatively soon after her shooting (cry). **

**And while I say that Beckett's the best, Rysposito is still awesome. And hilarious. **

**So, you can probably guess what's coming… _'THE CONVERSATION.' *_Cue collective gasp from the readers***

**Please Review! They'll make my day, especially considering I have to write a 1000 word French essay about the world in 15 years. And a 500 word bio about myself for the application to this program… So, please review. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, so I'm finally back. I know, there are just… no excuses. *dramatic sigh***

**I… Well let's just say that my life has been hectic, to say the least. We've been having some trouble with tenants, and I stayed at my friends' house (without my computer) for a while. Once I got home, I couldn't face my computer. It had been so long since I'd written, I was afraid to turn on my computer. Intimidated by my laptop. Yup, it's as lame as it sounds. It was just sitting there, and every day I didn't write just added to the list of reasons why I was too freaked out to turn it on. It was a vicious cycle, and having it written down makes it sound really lame, but I just couldn't do it. Before today, I actually hadn't even turned it on in… 3 weeks? Just checking my calendar. Yeah, about three weeks. Probably longer. But that's including the time I was at my friends' house. **

**Anyways, now that you're all thoroughly confused, and after delving deeply into the psychology of my brain, on with the story… **

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><p>"What you were saying last night. About calling me Kate, now. Why do you do that? Why did you stop calling me 'Beckett'?" Kate is talking slowly, giving herself time to process the words before she says them, choosing carefully.<p>

"It just doesn't seem… appropriate, now. Like it's not enough. Not anymore. Not after-" he stops, suddenly aware of the danger of continuing that sentence. Castle can't quite get a read off of Kate, and he knows that that means that she's conflicted.

So he asks, "But that's not what you want to hear, is it? Not what you want to know…"

"Rick, I'm… I'm giving you the chance," Kate pauses, not wanting to screw this up, "to tell me what you said at the funeral. When I passed out. If you still mean it."

"You remember." It was a statement. "I knew it."

"Rick, I'm sorry. I never meant for it to go this far," Kate knows how cheesy it sounds. "I wanted you to know. And then… and then I didn't see you-"

Castle sighs. "You sent me away. That's why you didn't see me."

Kate pauses, considering her next words. They two were toeing the line, neither wanting to cross it, but both wanting to cross it at the same time. But all Kate wants is for that line to disappear into thin air. "I regret that, you know?" Kate mumbles. Her cheeks turn pink as she blushes, half hoping that he didn't hear.

Castle reaches a hand up to rub her back. "It's okay, at least we're here now, right?"

Kate "Castle, I want to take it back, I would do _anything_."

Castle sighs. "No, if you would really do anything, you wouldn't have sent me away." He's calm, not angry, but at the same time, he's still defending himself.

"Rick," Kate says, her voice a warning tone, "I don't want to fight."

Popping the cap on his beer, Castle fiddles with the bottle opener. "Neither do I. So do you want to talk about this?"

Kate scoffs. "Hell, no. But we have to, don't we?"

"That we do." Castle knows how this conversation is going to end. He knows Kate better than she thinks, and he's certain of what the end of this conversation will entail. He wants to give her a lot of room to think, to process. Give her time to form her words carefully in her mind before telling them to him. If he's right, this'll be hard for her. And Castle's almost always right.

Except for his CIA theories, but with the law of averages… never mind.

"Will you promise me something, though?" Kate asks of him. "Can we at least make this an adult conversation?"

Looking up at Castle, Kate sees the look on Castle's face. His eyebrow is raised and the look a mix between sly and restrained. Kate can only imagine what's on his mind. "Why did I even ask?" she wonders to herself.

Castle laughs. "Kate, I'm kidding. I can be serious. I was serious as hell when you got shot-"

Castle stops short, and looks up in time to see Kate flinch, hesitate at the mention of her shooting.

Mentally chastising himself for bringing up her shooting, Castle persists. "Sorry!"

Kate waves her burnt hand in the air. "No, it's alright. It's also true. I trust you, and the fact that you'll be able to do this." They both picked up the double meaning of the phrase.

The writer lets out a long sigh, wiping his hands over his face. "Ready?"

Smiling, Kate says, "You make it seem like we're about to risk our lives. It's not that big a deal."

"I don't know what planet you live on, but this is a huge deal to me." It's hard for Castle to express his feelings to Kate, and he's impressed with himself at how easy it was for him to admit that.

Admissions.

He still has to tell Kate about how he's still investigating her mother's case, right? In a split second decision, Castle suddenly realizes that he'd rather be with Kate than investigate Johanna Beckett's murder. So he's going to stop investigating. It kills him not to know, but it would hurt Kate if she knew, and he wants to be honest with her. So he didn't tell her before, now he's stopped, right? It'll all end up okay.

"Look, Rick," Kate starts, "I don't know what to say. I feel like I owe you an explanation, I _know_ I owe you an explanation, but I don't think that any one that I give you will be sufficient. It's not exactly a simple white lie. Just know that I'm sorry, okay?"

Castle absentmindedly plays with the wrapping on Kate's burned hand, and Kate is not oblivious to the fact that he's effectively holding her hand.

"I'm not demanding an explanation, but I just want you to know that if you did want to give me one, I would try my very best to understand what your intentions were." Castle hesitates, clearly having trouble with expressing his meaning. "I'm not very good at this."

Kate nods solemnly, forcing herself to retain the question begging at her lips to get out in the open. How she wants to know, even if nothing happens with the information.

"This isn't working. Can we just… start over?" She knows that it sounds silly, but she really should've started differently.

After seeing Castle's nod, she opens her mouth to restart her explanation.

"I have a lot of trouble with relationships. I always have one foot out the door, and I never commit. I never let anyone dig their way into my heart, and then you came along."

"Dig? Not a very endearing term," Castle jokes.

"Anyways, you came along," Kate continues, completely ignoring his comment. "And before I knew it, you were there. There was nothing I could do to stop it, and it wasn't something I wanted to stop.

And then later it was the case with Roy, and I couldn't handle it. And he was dead, he gave his life for me, but I got shot anyways. And you told me you love me, and I had to leave. I just couldn't stay around with all that information swimming around in my mind. It was as if a tornado swept through my brain, all my feelings scattered everywhere, to all different corners. I didn't want to deal with them because it would mean acknowledging your words, what they meant… in the long term. With us."

She hesitates, gauging his reaction, his realization of the words and what they meant. She sees the moment he understands, not too long after she says it.

"I don't know what to do now," she admits.

Castle finally speaks up. "That's okay. We can talk about it later, too."

"Oh, and what makes you think we'll be together later?" Kate teases.

"I mean… maybe tomorrow, the next day. Whenever you're ready. To take that step."

Reassuring him that she was just kidding, the duo falls into a lighter conversation. It's not until a while later that they revisit the previous subject.

"Jesus, Castle. You really couldn't think of a better time to say it than when I was pretty much in the midst of getting shot?" Kate's loosening up, the effects of the alcohol making her just the tiniest bit tipsy. But she's not drunk. Needless to say, Kate's joking around, but the impressive thing, to Castle, is that she's talking about her shooting while doing so. It shows a lot of improvement, and Castle briefly thinks about the first time she'd had to face an armed suspect since her shooting. She had froze, petrified with fear. And now, here she is, talking about her shooting, yet laughing at him during the same conversation._ And _about to enter a committed relationship with him.

Castle shrugs. "Well, you know me, Kate. Timing isn't really my strong suit." He takes a swig of beer.

Kate stands, and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Yes, I do, Castle. I definitely know you. Good night." Kate walks away, zipping her jacket, leaving Castle behind, sitting at the bar by himself.

Castle puts his beer down. Tonight is a night to celebrate, and while before 'celebrating' might have involved getting super drunk, he doesn't want that tonight.

Standing up, Castle motions to the bartender, getting his attention. "I'll be right back," he says, and the bartender trusts him. Plus, the bartender knows how to find him, a celebrity figure. Snagging his jacket from the back of his chair as he rushes out of the bar, Castle thinks about what he's about to do.

Castle reaches the front door, swings it open, and finds Kate about to get into a taxi. A thought about how lucky she is to have gotten one on such short notice flits through his mind, but he ignores it as he makes his way over to her. "Kate!" he calls, and she turns.

Upon reaching her, he tries to explain. "I don't know- I just know- I want to…" Giving up, Castle extends his arms and cups her face. Slowly but surely, he brings her to him, placing a delicate kiss on her mouth. It's short lived, and lasts only a few seconds, but the emotions the two of them express in the short time are more than either of them could ever have imagined.

"I have to go pay for our drinks," Castle whispers. He turns and walks away, leaving Kate to get in her taxi and go home.

* * *

><p><strong>AN 2: This definitely isn't my favorite chapter, but after having been away for so long, I just needed to get it out. And now it's actually going online! I had most of this written before I stayed at my friends', but when I got back I just couldn't get myself to write. Anything. Not even drabble. Well…. REVIEW?**


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